Lockdown laughs!
We have compiled our list of top jokes doing the rounds during lockdown.
Social media has burst into life during these past few weeks and much of the content is positive, with an abundance of amusing anecdotes, boisterous banter, and wicked wisecracking!
Here is a short list of some of the lockdown-themed gags that have tickled us recently:
“I have just been invaded by a host of leprechauns with magical powers, but I managed to shut them in the spare room. I am elf isolating.”
“45% of men would give up sex during lockdown in return for a 52-inch TV and 45% of women said ‘Deal!’”
“If drinking too much during lockdown causes memory loss, then what does drinking too much during lockdown do?”
“Got so bored I decided to switch all the labels on my wife’s spice rank. She hasn’t realised yet, but the Thyme is Cumin.”
“I decided at long last to watch the Back to the Future box set during lockdown. It’s about time!”
“My body has absorbed so much soap and sanitiser these past few weeks that when I pee it cleans the toilet.”
“If board games are banned during this lockdown, then I’d be put in prison for being a Yahtzee sympathiser.”
“Got furloughed from work so decided to set up a new business as a shepherd but I couldn’t get the staff.”
“An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman don’t walk into a bar…”
“Are all dancers going to be twerking from home?”
“Just opened the door of my fridge and I swear I heard it say, ‘What do you want now?!’”
“When all this is over we should definitely change the tradition of blowing all over a birthday cake before everybody else eats it.”
“I was in ASDA when I saw a Mexican guy in a sombrero with a trolley full of loo rolls, I thought ‘Hispanic buying’.”
“When shopping in Waitrose, ensure other shoppers stay the statutory two metres away by simply taking an Iceland carrier bag with you.”
“Just seen a burglar kicking in his own front door. I asked him what he was doing, he said ‘Working from home’.”
“Just to cheer me up during this interminable lockdown, I have smeared chickpea spread all over myself. I have a wicked sense of houmous!”
“Got bored again during lockdown so I tied some helium balloons to my whisky collection. It certainly raised my spirits.”
“In an attempt to recreate the workplace at home, I just had an awkward conversation with my cat in the spare room.”
“Do you know who’s fault it is we’re all on lockdown? Carol f***ing Baskin!”
“For those of you panic buying ice cream and sprinkles, are you self-isolating for a month of sundaes?”
“Does anyone have a spare face mask I could use please? I’m not going out, just need something to stop me putting any more food in my mouth!”
“Mad that four years later, on a completely separate issue, the nation is still split into leavers and remainers.”
“Contagion isn’t the first Kate Winslet film to come true, have you guys ever seen Titanic?!”
“My girlfriend told me I need to stop treating lockdown like it’s Christmas. Couldn’t believe it, I almost choked on my Toblerone!”
“I downloaded the Houseparty app, but I missed the part where it says you have to legally post a screenshot of you and all your friends chatting together every single time.”
“Disappointed to find out the clocks are only going forward by an hour.”
“I wonder if my mum’s offer to slap me into next year is still on the table?”
“A lot of businesses are being affected by this pandemic. I heard the ironing industry is decreasing.”
“Always think ahead. I’m using my time during isolation to study as a divorce lawyer.”
“If someone says they’re not allowed to shake hands, just give them the elbow.”
“If anyone tweets cheap coronavirus jokes then I’m washing my hands of you.”
“Calling all racists! Use all your years of bigotry and experience to keep the public safe by screaming to any group of people walking down the street, “GO HOME!”
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